October 2, 2020

It is a crisp fall morning, and I open my guidebook. The table of contents is a rendering of the Earth, similar to Google Earth. I spin the model and zoom in to the crag I wish to climb at today. It syncs with several weather websites and suggests the best time to climb is mid-afternoon. I see the street crag view with the climbs superimposed on color photos of the rock. Since guidebook space is unlimited, all variations (with grades) are shown. Today I feel like reenacting an old John Gill circuit. I first sort by stars and style. Then by grade and a couple of other personal preferences I have set. Meanwhile, another part of the guidebook web-crawls for all old guidebooks (that have been digitized), blog posts, and videos that relate to today’s climbing. Just in case I want a little more beta. I create a glossy, bound, individualized guidebook for today’s adventure with my personal print-on-depend printer

However, when I get to the crag I change my mind. I am not in the mood for the circuit. I press the Concierge button. My electronic Sherpa remembers I like to onsight 10a off-widths and suggests several that are nearby. Since the guidebook is synced via GPS with my phone, it suggests the most efficient path from where I am to the base of the climbs.

I update the guidebook after I'm done climbing, it is a wiki after all. I add my interpretation of the rock, via text and video with suggestions for grades. It recalculates the mean, median, and mode grade for each climb with standard error. That information is instantly synced in everyone’s guidebook. I have no evidence that a couple of the climbs have been done before so I suggest they might be new. The guidebooks notes this. It highlights those climbs as unconfirmed and sends an alert to other people who are interested in second ascents in that area. I decide to end the day with the best local Mexican food. The guidebook dials the number so I can confirm they are still open. I close the guidebook and continue into a brilliant fall night.

Update - The physical manifestation of this post. 04/29/11

Last Tango in Durango, CO

Guide to "Upper Narrows" of Poudre Canyon, CO

Take Highway 287 to Highway 14 West (Ted's Place), then travel 19.5 on Hwy 14 West. Park in a small pull-out on the right, below the "East of Eden" climb. The cave pictured below is located directly across the river. The approach time is less than 1 minute and includes a river crossing.

#1, (V4/5) Stand sitting incut horn and climb overhanging arete. Exit via a lichen, chossy groove. Video Evidence

#2, (V-weird/fun) Start sitting on opposing slopers, make your way through the roof notch via a variety of techniques.Video Evidence

#3, (V?) Rumored to be V14/15 and all the moves have been done.

#4, (V?) Traverse out of corner. Arbitrary start with poor rock quality.

The Official Climbing Lab Shake

I'm a fan of optimal methods. The "paelo diet" (Will someone rebrand it already?) is an optimal baseline in my experience. It maximizes how I look, feel, and perform with minimal inputs (I'm lazy). I focus on high quality, low processed foods. I don't sweat the details and don't care for historical reenactments (That encompasses my philosophy towards life and climbing, too). I won't be stalking albino raccoons through the wilds of Isla Vista or enjoying a tall cold glass of Cambodian breast milk. I mainly eat steak and yam.

Paleo is just a baseline. I tweak from there and track changes. I supplement smartly and enjoy a good Gin & Tonic. In addition to my laziness baseline, I'm busy. Therefore it is time for the world debut of the "Official Climbing Lab Shake." It is simple, tastes good, and gets the protein, healthy fats, and carbs in my belly.


Ingredients:
1/2 can of coconut milk
Handful of blueberries
1 teaspoon of cod liver oil
2 scoops of protein powder
3 ice cubes
Raw milk
(Optional: Gin & Tonic)

Steps (Really?):
1. Put them in Blender
2. Press the button
3. Enjoy!

Guide to "Picnic Rock" of Poudre Canyon, CO

Take Highway 287 to Highway 14 West (Ted's Place), then travel ~2 miles on Hwy 14 West. Park in the large parking lot on the left marked with "Picnic Rock" sign. The boulder pictured below is located .5 mile downstream. The approach time is ~10 minutes and includes a river crossing. The rock is partly in the river. Plan according.

GPS Coordinates:
N 40 40.127
W 105 13.644

The river polished "wave" feature

#1, (V1/2) Start standing with quality slopers to technical top-out.
(V3/4) Start sitting with a low right-hand side-pull and a high left-hand crimp, move to small crimp then hidden jug to join stand version.Video Evidence

#2, (V2/3) Start standing on flat jugs to incut jug top-out.
(V3/4) Start sitting in horizontal crack join stand version. Video Evidence

#3, (V0/1) Start standing. Climb lichen and chossy dihedral. An unappealing warm-up.

#4, (V3/4) Start standing with small starting holds, move to slopers, and exit via jugs. Video Evidence

#5, (V1/2) Start standing. Grab side-pull, move to lip, and mantle. Video Evidence

#6, (V1/2) Start standing. Grab lip and mantle. Video Evidence

Roadtrip Questions

Where is the line between a better method of climbing and conducting a historical reenactment of the first ascent of a climb?

How do you define a climb?

How do you define a successful climb?

Who defines your successful climb?

Do names refer to the rock, a path on the rock, or a specific person's path on the rock?

What happens if I create my own interpretation of the rock?

Should I use the same name as previous ascensionists?

What happens if I start higher?

What happens if I start lower?

What happens if I create my own finish?

What happens if I choose my own path between the start and finish?

What happens if I place a hand on a hold the first ascensionist didn't touch?

What happens if I place a foot on a hold the first ascensionist didn't use?

What happens if I use the holds in a different order than the first ascensionist?

What happens if my body is in a different physical space than first ascensionist?

What happens if my mind is in a different psychological space than first ascensionist?

What is the difference between claiming an ascent among friends, on the web, or posting a video?

Who do I need to sign my metaphorical climbing scorecard?